I saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine last night. Instead of my usual review, I thought I would switch it up. Here is a list of 5 things that I think a Wolverine movie needs:

Awesome Villain(s): Wolverine is the toughest and most bad-ass X-Man ever! I won’t even argue with someone who doesn’t think so. Case and point, I downloaded an anime podcast once, the two hosts started the podcast by saying that Wolvie was weak  and that Cyclops (CYCLOPS!) was tougher. That podcast got an immediate delete! Anyway, a bad-ass character needs a bad mutha-fuggin villain and Wolvie has one of the best rogues galleries. Even though Sabretooth is the obvious nemesis,  Omega Red, Cyber, Lady Deathstrike, and the Hulk work just as well. 

 Jack Bauer-like: When folks think about Wolverine, it’s the claws that most people think of. However, Wolvie is so much more than that. Before the adamantium thing, Logan was quite the soldier/ secret agent.  He used strategy, his instincts, and the environment around him to help out. If he wanted to, he could be as stealthy as a ninja one minute, then unleash rage the next. He was Jack Bauer before Jack Bauer…

Team X/ Weapon X:  These two things go hand in hand.  Team X was huge part of Wolvie’s life. The characters of Deadpool, Maverick, Silver Fox and Sabretooth play huge roles in Wolvie’s life. Logan was arguably the best one out the secret black-ops team known as Team X. This was the reason he chosen for the Weapon X program which bonded that adamantium to his skeleton. The procedure was so painful, damaging and and draining that part of his healing factor was lost along with most of his memories (with the help of those doctors and scientists). Plus that Weapon X helmet was fuggin awesome!

Berserker Rage: There has to be at least one point in a Wolverine Movie that Wolvie just loses it and becomes the animal that is festering inside his mind. No dialogue, no thought process, just pure animal rage and a lot of asses kicked! Wolvie’s berserker moments are some of the best action sequences in comic books.

Search for Identity: . After the Weapon X thing, he spends years trying to reclaim his past and find out who he was or is. Before the Weapon X thing, Wolvie was always unsure of his place in the world. So the most important thing about a Wolverine movie is his never ending search for his identity. 

Bonus Points: Extra credit for the movie if some nods to other Marvel characters that influenced Wolvie makes it into the film. How about during a WWII flashback, we see a soldier named Steve Rogers? Or maybe, someone asking Logan about helping find a missing doctor, Dr. Bruce Banner? huh… anyone … anyone?

So did the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie hit on all the things I wanted? Hit the Jump to find out!

Alright let’s just jump right in:

Awesome Villains: Well Sabretooth as a villain is obvious as he IS Wolvie’s arch-nemesis. However there was something off about Liev Schreiber as Sabretooth. Yeah he was bad-ass, but to me the reason why he and Wolvie were bitter enemies didn’t work. Col. Stryker was ok, but not a quality villain in my book. 1/2 CREDIT

Jack Bauer Like: Nope that didn’t happen at all. It was all pretty much Wolvie takes out his claws and starts swinging. FAIL!

Team X/ Weapon X: Well there was a team assembled in the first 15 minutes of the movie and they were done within the first 20, so I had no real attachment to them. They did the Weapon X thing with the adamantium and it looked painful, but the way they got to it was out there. And really!? He didn’t lose his memory after dying for a minute or two. Really!? Oh and NO Weapon X helmet (kinda figured that from the X-Men movies). 1/2 CREDIT

Berserker Rage: Well they talked about Wolvie unleashing his inner animal. And Wolvie did a lot of slashing after the adamantium bonding, but he was still sane and it was not enough to qualify for a berserker moment in my book. 1/4 CREDIT

Search for Identity: Okay, so magically Wolvie does lose his memory at the end of the movie (by super-silly means), so that sets up the wandering in the wilderness searching for his past thing. But before that, I never got a sense that Wolvie was lost in this world ,that he was unsure of who or what he is. That’s too bad, those are the best Wolvie stories… 1/4 CREDIT. 

Bonus:  Nope nothing. The New The Incredible Hulk movie with Edward Norton ended with Bruce Banner in Canada! Canada, Wolverine… C’mon! FAIL!

So out of a total of 5 things I wanted, I got about 1 and a 1/2 things. A lil from almost every category, but not enough to satisfy me. 

OVERALL = FAIL… sorry try better next time…